I miss you.

I love you.

They say time heals all wounds but its been so many years and it still hurts the same, sometimes more.

They say “we know it hurts we miss her too”, but, I wonder how much? How much do you miss her?

Does she creep inside your mind at night? Her face, first being the beautiful one you remember in the back of the school when you made her laugh through that horrible thought she was having, it’s okay, I’m here.

Does that face suddenly turn to a corpse in your hands, you holding her asking her if she needs a place to sleep that night just to help her not feel so lonely as she's walking out of your house for what you didn't know was the last time?

Are the words on her lips “No I'm fine now, thank you for just letting me talk” in the form of the hand that pushed her over the edge and the blade that stabbed you in the back with guilt and regret and the constant feeling of “If I did more.”.

I wonder, how much you miss her.

I wonder, if she misses me.

I wonder if she sees how easily she made me go from loving sunshine to loving rain because in her words the beauty in rain is that, “Its harder for people to see you cry, and that makes it easier for you to stay strong”.

And now, I smoke cigarettes.

Now I drink.

And I see your face..

Everywhere

I cant touch it. I cant hug you. I cant hold you and say its going to be okay. I cant listen to people say its not your fault and I cant pretend that I don't feel a certain way and right now that feeling is..

FUCK YOU FOR LEAVING ME HERE ALONE.

And.. I love you..

I miss you..